wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
