im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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