Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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