I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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