His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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