I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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