Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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