Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
