Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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