today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We were destined to go to rehab together
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
