Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
