i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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