I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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