The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize