i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize