you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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