yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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