i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
