so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
