Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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