when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
