you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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