Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize