when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
