did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
