I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize