He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
