Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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