I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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