You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
