I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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