need another drink. this is the easiest way
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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