Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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