you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
