theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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