me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Enjoy the penises
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
