I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
