your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
