She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
