Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
