I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My bed smells like the plague
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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