Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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