remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Randomize