My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
