She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
