made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
