It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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