I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
