Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
