So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
