i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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