Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
