The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize