I faked an abortion last night.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
