Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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