Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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