I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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