At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
then he tried to convert me to islam
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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