well I can't set my house on fire every night
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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