I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I met the friendliest cop last night
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Randomize
