i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
